To be or Not to Be?

On a day like this, how could I be mad at the world? With its perfect blue canvas and high mountain ranges that can almost touch the sky- me thinking all my life that they could and disdained when I realised they couldn't... life seemed alright. The green tree's swayed in the wind, along with the flowers and their yellow faces... and the grass was soft against my bare skin, feeling a little damp due to the heat. On day's like this I could forget- and forgetting wasn't easy... for me. 

I came to Fairy Tale Park today to escape home life. Dad was getting a little neurotic, the house needing more work then he anticipated - which meant he was always sour faced and mordacious. He had tried to coax me into helping paint the skirting boards in the living room, complaining when I had refused and getting antsy and on edge when I decided to stay in the house - so I left, taking my laptop with me. 

As of late I had grown quite attached to the thing. Flicking through the pictures of when I had a family, trying my hardest to depict the ones of my mum who always seemed to flaunt her fake smile and fake exterior. Everything about her reeked fake, and just looking at her at times, made me feel nauseated. I wish I could catapult through time and space and land right in the middle of her and my dad and just slap a reality check on them. Both of them had made mistakes, like this one time; when my dad worked in management - he stayed late in his office to "file stuff" because his assistant was off 'sick', as it was though he had ended up kissing that same assistant. The news had come out during one of their many arguments, but for some reason my mum didn't look hurt or betrayed or anything? It was as if she had preyed for that very moment to happen, wished for it maybe? Even still, I wondered now why she didn't act when she had the ample time to do so? Maybe his charm and way with words matched suit even then... and she saw past his act of deceit. But then why now? 

I pondered on the thought for a little bit, but then it gave way to more dark and weary thoughts. I hate you dad! I hate you! Why couldn't you just stop being such a selfish pig and put Mum first for once? NO! You had to be as inconsiderate as ever! Look where it gets you dad! Just LOOK! I felt fatigue from my rant and stopped searching for clothes on my laptop, closing down the browser and deciding to just sit and stare at my desktop screen. I hated going over it over and over like I had been doing ever since we had moved in to our new house, but for some reason I felt it brought me calm and piece of mind afterwards. 

I loved this laptop. My mum had bought it me for my birthday which was in February. Valentines day in fact! We would always laugh together at the fact during times we happened to be watching TV, or in the car, or just sitting enjoying each others company- either way, the topic would be raised. I would let out a deep, irksome sigh and lower my head whilst my parents would go over how coincidental it was that those two, out of all the billions of people in the world would have a daughter who happened to be born on valentines day - the day of love. A day that now, would only bring me pain and misery. But I would try my hardest not to let it. 

Bianca
After Mr Chamberlain left, he managed to leave a large hole in his wake. Something myself along with my other colleagues noticed as well. Mark wasn't the same somehow, which had me worried- constantly. What if he harmed himself in some way?  Seriously hurt himself or, did something stupid... something he'd regret? I had tried my hardest to make excuses just to get in his office to try and speak to him, but he would always send me away or complain he was too busy. Or my other favourite that he was in the middle of a conference call. Which of course he wasn't. 

So today; I decided to make the most of it before it was snatched up by thoughts of Mark. It was my day off so I decided to just relax, and stay home. Thank goodness the sun was shining or otherwise I would have just thrown in the towel then, and gone back to work. 

So I started with breakfast; the most important meal of the day, and one that I hated preparing. Just simple waffles, nothing too complicated, or time consuming. I had bought them ready made from the supermarket, so all I had to do was throw them in the oven, and pour some syrup over them. A little elementary I know, but it was all I needed to power me up, so I didn't dwell on it. 

Then I headed into the bathroom for an exhilarating shower, which did wonders for the heat, it was getting hotter and hotter as the day went by, and even at eleven o'clock it felt as though I was standing in a desert. 

 Then I flowed upstairs to change. The awful wallpaper reminding me that at some point in the year, I would have to buck up my ideas and get to work. The house was already decorated when I started renting it, so I never saw the need to do anything with it. 

And then finally, I decided what I really needed was to relax. Sunbathing was a great stress reliever. So I settled onto my towel, with a book in toe and nestled comfortably on top of the incredibly embarrassing bright pink, bunny towel that a friend had bought me for my holiday to Greece last year. I lived pretty far away from the town centre, so I wasn't worried about being spotted out. And hardly no one visited the park, that was a little way away from my house, so as far as I was concerned I had nothing to worry about.

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After spending a considerable amount of time at the park, dwelling as well as other things; I decided that I should just go and see my mum after all. I hadn't seen her since she had come to the house with her solicitor to present the divorce papers to my dad which had been over a month or so ago. So I figured that all the time I had been thinking about her, it was secretly because I wanted to see her- she was my best friend, hardly like a mum to me at all and I had missed her desperately. I needed to see her and so off I went, like a girl on a mission. 

Walking down Spring Lane, I saw the house in which my dad had built for me when he had struck large and even now the overwhelming feeling I felt to just run away and cry grew large within me as I saw the house with its square shaping and steel exterior, like it was something you'd find squatted away in London. I had hated the thought of a house being built solely for me, thinking it outlandishly stupid and when he had first shown me the building plans I had thought of him as a rich man gone mad. Nothing like the man who I once called "dad", but I guess I had to think of him as making amends for all the times he had been stuck in his little cupboard of an office, working away and missing out on all of my school plays and birthdays and special times with me and my mum. So I guess some how I had taken comfort from that?

 But with a light thud on the door, I waited nervously hoping that my mum wouldn't take one peek out the double glazing window's and see me standing here thinking I was here for a confrontation, because I wasn't. Instead though, I saw a thin silhouette glide past and come towards the door with slight confusion etched on her face, probably surprised to be greeted by a visitor at time this time of day, but coming to open the door none the less. But upon opening the door I saw her exterior change, she was no longer rigid and little moody, this was instead replaced by a smile that I hadn't seen in years. It warmed me and made me smile in return, I was indeed happy to see her. 

                                        "Lizzy?" She said almost in a daze. "Sweetheart what are you doing here? Are you alright?" I took comfort from her words that soothed my rapidly beating heart, and said nothing. Just looking at her, taking in her features; the slight peak of her cheek bones with a rosy red blush, the freckles embellishing her heart shaped face, almost matching in colour with her auburn coloured hair. I hadn't seen her in so long and I had really felt it, so I wanted to make this moment last for as long as I could. 

But without even realising it I was pulled into an embrace nestling my face into her neck and at long last inhaling the perfume that she always wore no matter what  the occasion. 

                                         "Oh Lizzy- baby, don't worry about why your here, I'm just so happy that you are at all! Come in, please come in, I'll cook us something, are you hungry? I'll cook your favourite perhaps? I know you always love the way I cook it..." She just kept talking, and pulling me by the arm further and further into the house, for some reason my back was up and I felt sort of odd. 

                   

                                           "No mum, really its fine I'm not hungry." I could sense her tremble. 

                                            "Oh... I'm sorry Lizzy, I... I just wanted it to be like before."

                                            "I know..." 

We followed the trail towards the elevator and the same silence came back to enrapture us. But this time I welcomed it, not really wanting idle chatter but instead hoping for something more meaningful; I wanted to know how she'd been? whether she had been lost in the same transience as dad, but from the look of her it was as though a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders- she even looked happier. 

                                                "How's your dad?" She said idly, without sounding remotely interested. 

                                                 "He's fine." I said curtly, not meaning to come off abrupt. 

                                                 "I heard you two have moved out the house?" 

                                                  "Yeah, we did..." The ping from the elevator told us we had arrived at our floor, with the gradual slide of the elevator doors, releasing us from our hold. I stood out first, not wanting to be contained any longer, followed then by my mum who jostled the side of the elevator and then stood tall, like nothing happened. 

The room that greeted me smelt like fresh linen and glade, like somewhere hiding was one of those air freshener plug ins'. But I stood there limply, taking everything in and acknowledging the hostility in décor, nothing changing there then... since my mum was never a dab hand in decorating. She always told my dad that once building was finished she would she would hire a decorator to come round and make it more homely... more me. I guess with the divorce, she felt as though she lost that right. 

                                                       "So. Do you like your new house?" I thought before answering, knowing full well that she'd throw my answer in my dads face if they ever had words again, so I lied.

                                                       "It's okay? I'm just getting used to not going home the old way still..." I let out a little girlish laugh to lessen my anxiety, I had never felt so awkward in my mothers presence before. 

                                                         "I can only imagine. I just hope your father lists that in his decree nisi..." 

                                                          "Mum..." I moaned "I came here to see you, not talk about you and dad, the divorce ,or that bastard you had an affair with." She gasped a little but didn't admonish me or anything so I took a seat and waited for her to join me. 

                                                               "Wow, I haven't been here in ages... it feels so weird... it looks nice though." She stood behind me for a few minutes before taking a seat, and I could feel her steps slowly approaching me. 

                                                                "Yeah." She started, somewhat wearily. "I may have changed it a little bit, but its still ready for you when your ready." I expressed a slight smile but nothing to make her think I was elated. 

                                                                  "So." She sat. "How have you been? I haven't seen you in the longest time..." I tired keeping my eyes away from hers, knowing her sad expression would make me feel even worse. 

                                                                  "I've been fine." I let the sentence linger a little bit. "I've been studying and stuff, helping dad with fixing up the house... nothing much else." She smiled and mouthed an "Oh" without saying it, and just looked at me for what felt like an eternity. 

                                                                  "How's school going?" 

                                                                   "It's hard. I just want it to be over with all ready- you know? I'm just going over stuff- revising, trying to take all the information in and keep it locked away somewhere in my brain, without forgetting everything." She laughed a little, feeling more comfortable and relaxing into the sofa.  

Being this close to her made me feel giddy, I liked it. I moved my hand to touch her's and her eyes opened in a snap and looked at me full of amazement. She closed her delicate long fingers around mine and smiled at me, eyes gleaming, full of love. I was so happy to be here, I had wanted to be with mum initially, but with how things came about- with her cheating on dad and him taking it so hard, I couldn't leave him no matter how much I blamed him. So I had stated that I wanted to be with my dad, throughout the divorce proceedings and live with him thereafter... but now I was here, I had feelings of regret. Dad had promised me he wouldn't let what's happened take over his life, but he couldn't help it. He was miserable and I knew it, but he wouldn't talk to me about anything, it was as though he was ashamed of himself and took comfort in believing he was the only one who knew. Thats what I loved about my mum... she never tried to hide anything... she let him know about her cheating on him with his best friend, and didn't hide the hatred she felt for him, stating she was proud about what she did, and would do it over if she had to. 

But for now... I just wanted to enjoy being around her. I knew she wasn't a vindictive person deep down, she was just fed up with where life had taken her and was afraid that she'd have to go on living that life until she died. I had always had a feeling that he loved her a lot more than she had loved him, thinking if she had loved him at all? 

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Bianca

So after spending a day sunbathing, I was happy to just be typing away at my computer. It was nice to spend any time on it at all. I had been working some pretty long hours lately so by the time I got home, I would be too tired to do anything on it so I'd just go to bed. I had been on it for a couple of hours now... I would have the odd coffee break, and for dinner I made myself a sandwich... but once I started work, I found it hard to break free. I was currently working on my clients book- once again! I need to carry on planning for my meeting with him, which was in a couple of days. The sound of my door bell ringing, broke me out of thought and I was cautious when approaching my front door. I didn't know who it would be? Surely no one who would kill me?  No... I thought, and made my way out in the hallway where I could see the outline of someone familiar. Mark?

                                                         "Mark?" He looked startled. "What are you doing here? "

                                                          "Hi Bianca." He said whilst trying to steady his breathing and calm his obvious predisposed nerves. "I wanted to see you... you wasn't as work..." 

                                                           "Yeah- it is my day off." I slipped out a laugh. "Why don't you come in?" 

                                                             "Sure." He then followed me into the house. 

                                                           "Is everything ok?" I started. 

                                                            "Yeah, it is. I mean... I know how this looks."

                                                             "How what looks?" I was a little confused. First off, he's at my house! Who would have known he even knew where I lived? Let alone drive all the way out here and visit me, to see how I was. No. He was here for a reason. 

                                                           "Bianca. After everything thats happened, I know that I need to choose my friends wisely. Since I'm all out of those, I figure your the only one I can trust." 

                                                          "Trust me with what?" I was a little scared...

                                                           "After the whole Camilla thing. I need to talk to someone... I figured you. Is that okay?" 

                                                          "Of course it is... What did you wanna talk about?"

But then his next move took me completely off guard, it was as though he was trying to coax me into some weird friendly hug, but he went about it all wrong? It felt a little wrong to be this close to my boss... no matter how strong I felt about him. 

                                                         "I'm glad I have someone on my side Bianca... You don't realise how long I've just wanted a soul mate, someone to be with me through thick and thin... you see- thats what I thought Camilla was... but I was wrong." 

                                                         "I see..." He was still holding onto me. 

                                                          "Now I know. Now I won't make that same mistake- I can't make that same mistake!"

                                                          "Mark? Have you been drinking?" 

                                                          "Who me? NO." He let out a rumpus laugh and continued to hold onto me. 

                                                          "Mark... Are you okay? I mean I'm here if you want to talk- of course.  But I have a feeling your here for something more than to talk?" I preyed he wouldn't flip out and over react. Wishing to myself, that he'd see I wasn't game, admit it was all a mistake and then leave. 

                                                           "Huh? Bianca, I'm not here to hurt you... I just need you to be here for me right now..."

                                                            "I am." He cut me off. 

                                                             "Good."

 Everything that happened after that was a blur...